I Luv Guns

My name is Pastor Pete, but like Chuck Norris' infamous roundhouse kick fame, paintballing has given me the fearsome nickname of Paintball Pete. More about that another time. I can't seem to keep up with my notoriety, so I've decided that blogging will be a great way to document my journey of being the most persecuted, misunderstood fundamentalist in South African history. I love films like Rambo I through XIV (many of these are unreleased home videos of me fighting my way through African war zones with nothing but a pellet gun and penknife), so like all good films and novels that use flashbacks to help viewers / readers understand the history of the subject, many of my future blog entries will take you back in time so you can better grasp my pain, my persecution, and my obsessive love for guns.

On that subject, I am a vociferous opponent of gun control. Like that other misunderstood bearded Afrikaans freedom fighter, Eugene Terreblanch, once stated, a white man without a gun in Africa is a dead man. I couldn't say it better myself. Why do you think I'm still alive? I've been imprisoned in Zambia, paraded like a captured communist terrorist pig through the streets of Lusaka, I've successfully penetrated terrorist training camps disguised as a pacifist pancy missionary, dodged landmines and enemy fire on countless excursions throughout the Dark Continent . . . do you think I'd still be alive if it were not for my awesome capabilities with weapons? Of course, the previous God-loving South African government helped me out. All the rumours about the SADF sponsoring my cross-border adventures are true.

By the way, the world seems so taken with the supernatural ability of Chuck Norris . . . I could kill that roundhouse-kicking Texan with a broken toothpick. And if he were not an American Patriot, I'd already have shown him why not to mess with Paintball Pete.

So that's me in a nutshell . . . I love guns. Yes, I love Jesus Christ the Righteous Lord who has commanded me and likeminded brothers in arms to take dominion of the world. Yes, I love the Holy Bible, every God-breathed last word. I will give you plenty of verses from God's Word to help you realise that a white man without a gun is nothing short of stupid. Yes I love the Christian God and the Christian way of life, which means I love guns most of all. Guns stop criminals -- the evil South African black communist government has armed these crazy lunatics with guns to terrorise innocent law abiding citizens like my family -- but guns in the hands of the Righteous Remnant will stop them. Stop them dead!

Stick around . . . I may even invite you to join my militia of paintball freedom fighters.

Fight the good fight!