My Way Or The Highway

My wannabe missionary apprentice has reconsidered his calling. He no longer believes the good Lord wants him to deliver Bibles and military goods to African countries. I have convinced him that he cannot give the devil a foothold or allow evil men to prosper by not carrying a weapon with him at all times. And I mean something that can blow a serious hole in a grown man's chest, or at least cripple him for life. Not a pellet gun -- although, I am sure I could take on Chuck Norris with a pellet gun and win anyday.

No, my young apprentice would not like to be a missionary -- I could have told him that the day he walked into my office, and reconfirmed it the day he soiled his undies in the bush. What does he want to do? I'd love to tell you that my freshly initiated apprentice is going to organise anti-abortion protests and anti-sex shop campaigns, but instead I have to inform you that he has failed the cause of righteousness and is dangerously close to eternal hellfire.

Here's why: he plans to abandon the faith. It's worse than you think. He's going to attend a liberal church that welcomes homosexuals as if they are okay in God's sight. Wrong! They're an abomination. And he is planning to support Gun-Free South Africa -- even tattoo their pagan logo on his shoulder. I'm sure he'll have his ear ring back in his ear in no time and be listening to that satanic rock music on his iPod. He should tattoo "I belong to Satan" on his forehead.

He's lucky he only told me this when we were fifteen minutes away from headquarters. I'd have left the little ungrateful, backslidden, apostate bastard son of Satan back where he crapped his pants. I slammed on brakes and tossed him out on the side of the highway to hitch a ride home.

I'm a little disappointed that my tactics didn't work out completely as planned, but I'm not at all sorry for doing the Lord's work on that boy by removing his tattoo, shaving his girlie hair and ripping out his homosexual ear ring. And who knows, perhaps all those seeds I have sown in his life will not be stamped on by Lucifer and he'll come around to my way of seeing things. For now though, it's the highway.

Fight the good fight.