Dude, Have You Seen My Missionary?

If that little long-haired twit sends me one more email about how much he is looking forward to next week's mission trip ... if he signs off one more email with Keep radical, Your Dude in Christ ... I'll drag him by his ear ring into my secret bunker and teach him some respect before we've even loaded one of our landrovers with the boxes of Bibles / guns we'll be transporting to Zambia. It's taking every ounce of righteous control to stop myself from going off pop and crashing his computer with a lethal virus and then ripping his tongue out of his backside. It will be far more enriching for him to learn firsthand how a true Christian behaves among the heathens, so I'll just have to bite the bullet. But don't worry, I'm definitely going to make sure his appearance changes drastically when we get more than ten feet out of this country. Punk.

You may be wondering how I manage to smuggle guns across border posts. Faithful readers of my blog will know that if I disclosed such sensitive information to you, I'd be obliged to terminate your life. Fundamentalist Christian or not, your ass is mine if you ever learn more than you need to about my mission activities. But do not underestimate the power of a good bribe. That's all I'm saying. That and prayer. It works a lot like magic, but we're forbidden to dabble in the occult, so I'll leave it at that.

Fight the good fight, dudes!