Crouching Tiger, Hidden Gold

Turns out my black receptionist is also a black belt in karate. I can't believe how much God has blessed me by appointing her as my affirmative action receptionist, crack sharpshooter and personal bodyguard. But there has been a small mishap in the office, which thank-you-Jesus wasn't as bad as it could have been.

You see, Black Gold, or BG as we call her around the office, had not met my wife until yesterday afternoon. My kids were all at a birthday party -- a paintball theme, to my great approval -- so she popped into the office quickly to say hi. I was briefing my receptionist about some particular typing tasks I wanted her to attend to, when my wife approached very quietly from behind. I am familiar with the unique sound of her footsteps, so I thought nothing of it. But before I knew what the blazes was going on, BG had pushed me aside, and in one swift movement that would have impressed Chuck Norris, kicked my wife's feet from under her and pinned her to the ground. A beautiful, violent movement that could easily have inspired a multitude of martial art films.

Driven by sheer instinct, I launched myself at BG and we spent the next few minutes wrestling on the floor while my shocked wife looked on in mild horror.

Once I had successfully constrained BG -- she fights like a wild beast, I'm proud to say -- I was able to introduce her to my wife. Not quite the scenario I had planned for their first meeting. (Praise be to God, my wife was so confused by the swiftness of the attack that she didn't observe how much I enjoyed the floor wrestling.)

Fight the good fight. And if you're a potential terrorist out to get me, be warned that I am well protected.