Happy Birthday Little Warrior

It was my youngest son's birthday yesterday. I had been customizing his gift in my secret bunker for a whole year, and so yesterday was possibly more momentous for me than it was for him. He was thrilled . . . the early development of bloodlust was almost tangible . . . perhaps it was the taste of blood in my own mouth as I subconsciously bit deep into my lip. Sheer anxiety as he tore off the wrapper with the masculine aggression I've been beating into him for six years -- leopard crawling over thorns in the backyard, late night mock terror attacks in his bedroom, and countless hours of violent playstation games to enhance his reflexes have paid off nicely by the look of the shredded paper that flew all over the place.

It felt like time was standing still when he held up his special, custom-designed new paintball gun for the whole family to behold. I will remember that moment until I die on the battlefield or Jesus returns.

I spent ages altering the original weapon so that it now rivals anything I would take into an African war zone. This beauty has the capacity no other paintball gun in history has had -- a rapid fire paintball stun gun is what I would call it! Pity the fool who gets in the way of the little guy when this baby is spitting out huge volumes of paintballs.

We couldn't wait to try it out in our miniature paintball range in the backyard. I have also custom-designed a camouflaged uniform to wear that is a lot more paint (and pain) resistant than the ones you can buy at conventional paintball outlets. So I quickly dressed for the occasion and spent a whole hour ducking and diving as the little warrior literally sent a hurricane of paintballs my way. By the end of it I looked like the poster boy for the homo rainbow people . . . but it was well worth it!

When I'm finished with the customization of my own paintball weapon, we're going to have a father-son play-off with another fundamentalist pastor and his son. It's going to be sheer terror and painful agony for them, and absolute gleeful giddy victory for us.

Fight the good fight, using whatever you can, including customized paintball weapons.