Bring Back the Battle Hymn

I'm sick of these weak twits who pass as pastors. One of them had the audacity to say that I am too militant. How can anyone be too militant? We live in a world where suicide bombers are blowing themselves up together with innocent coffee drinkers or bus commuters, where baby killers are masquerading as doctors and nurses, and where atheist political leaders are trying to take away the guns of semi-law-abiding citizens like me. How can you not be militant in such a world?

Pastors like these probably don't like their congregation singing the greatest hymn of all time -- Onward Christian Soldiers . . . Marching as to war, hmmm, hmmm, you see, I'm going on a tangent already, it's such a stirring war cry!

And pussy pastors like this probably don't really like their Sunday schools teaching kids that child-friendly battle hymn, I'm In the Lord's Army. I mean, it's a terrific tune with all the actions about riding in the cavalry, swooshing down in fighter jets and marching in unified aggression to obliterate the enemy. What's wrong with teaching kids songs like this? They have been staples in my home ever since my five kids saw the light of day.

I have always taught my children, especially my sons, that they are destined to rule the world, to subdue the pagan multitudes who refuse to convert. Long before the glorious days of paintball, my kids have played aggressive games with a military theme rather than waste-of-time sports like soccer and tennis. What good is a tennis racket against the demon-possessed hordes out there?

So to all those pastors out there who think I'm too mercenary, too militant in tone and behaviour, I say go to hell. I mean it. I doubt their salvation if they come up with such compromising pacifist views, which means they're on their way to hell. And believe me, just like God, Satan is no pacifist. His torture chambers will be filled with the eternal cries of pastors who teach their flock that nonviolence is what Jesus taught. We're only supposed to be peaceful to fellow fundamentalist Christians who believe exactly as we do. To hell with the rest!

I'm off to play another game of find-the-terrorist-behind-the-bush. You guessed it, the progressively brain-damaged Liberty is the moving target . . . I wonder if this may be the reason he made a run for it the other day?

Fight the good fight.