Pete's Favourite Things

I know I've presented a truly heroic side to my life -- the righteous warrior kind of thing, teaching kids not to follow the dark lord Satan by pelting them with paintballs, blowing up their Easter eggs, publicly burning piles of pornographic literature and occasionally making a daring raid across the border into another country to spread the Good News of King Jesus, with whom I and all white right-wing fundamentalist believers will rule the universe . . . you know, that side of my life.

But I thought I'd pull more of a touchy-feely Oprah kind of thing and let you know what some of my favourite things are . . . but if you read into this that I am having homo-erotic fantasies and need to vent my female side, I will hunt you down and make you beg for mercy.

So here goes . . . Pete's Favourite Things!

* My guns. All of them. I can't choose one. I love all of them equally.

* My paintball equipment. If paintballs worked as effectively as real bullets, this would top my list.

* My Bible. Every inspired letter, but not in any paraphrased modern version.

* My camo pants. The kid who made the wise crack about them the other day at the mall is still recovering in hospital.

* My collection of spent cartridges and shrapnel. I have collected them over the years on my travels throughout Africa.

* Everything in my secret bunker, including my stock of literature I keep for research purposes. I have added a few videos lately -- also for research purposes, of course.

* Playing with penguins.

* Playing godly soldier and evil communist / muslim terrorist with my kids. Liberty is always the bad guy and I fear he may be suffering some kind of post-traumatic stress disorder from repeated hits to the head by frozen paintballs, but my daily debriefing sessions with him should keep him going for a while longer.

* Playing 'hide the rocket launcher' with my submissive wife. The missionary approach to the game, if you know what I mean. If you don't, you must be pagan or homosexual and should prepare yourself for eternity in hell.

* My righteous offspring.

* Any war movie starring Chuck Norris.

* Will and Grace. I have no reasonable explanation for this, other than research purposes. But if I find myself laughing at any gay jokes, I use the mobile mini-electrocution device I bought on my last trip to the States and shock myself in unmentionable places.

* Photos of myself. Usually posing beside a blown-up tank somewhere in Africa or unloading big containers of Bibles [if you want to believe there are also weapons in these containers for my mercenary missionaries, that's up to you, but I won't deny it].

That's about it. I'm concerned that if I carry on I may actually end up on the Oprah show.

Fight the good fight. Whatever your favourite things are, make sure guns and Jesus are on your list and not much else matters.