Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Stone Throw Away From Hell

I can't wait until Christians like me take dominion of the world. I'm praying it's in my lifetime. Other than the obvious benefits of ruling the planet for Jesus, the one thing I'm really looking forward to is stoning people to death who refuse to do things my way ... I mean, God's way. Just like we're instructed to in the Law of Moses As Interpreted By Pete.

This hit home quite literally yesterday evening while I was driving an American guest speaker back to the airport. I had flown him out to the country to speak about the importance of carrying weapons and using them against evildoers. So while we were travelling the infamous highway to the airport, I was as military alert as I've ever been, but the flying brick hurled from the side of the road almost caught me off guard. I said *almost*. The little heathen bastard was hiding behind a bush and I didn't see him before the missile was about two metres from impact. I've taken a few advanced driving courses, so with the combination of my driving skills and my superhuman reflexes, I managed to avert total disaster. The brick would have struck my American passenger in the head and sent him home to Jesus in a split second if I was not the driver. But I was. And he's still alive and on his way safely home to the American South.

The hurtling brick from hell smacked the side of the vehicle instead of the side of my guest's precious dome. As long as it took my vehicle to make a spectacular skidding halt on the side of the road and for my door to fly open, I had rolled out in a graceful manouvre with my weapon drawn. The little heathen bastard hardly had time to soil his pants before I had pinned him down and administered a good few righteous backhands.

I tied him up, threw him in the back of my vehicle, dropped off the very impressed American who promised to raise even more support for my mission work when he got back to the Land of the Free and the Brave, and then dropped off the brick thrower at the nearest police station. I'm sure I'll finally be front page news as the hero I am rather than the villain of the peace people imagine I am.

Despite the wicked behaviour of this heathen brick thrower, I've been left with an indelible image of how glorious it will be when the righteous take dominion of the world and we can legally stone the godless who refuse to convert. I'll make sure this little idiot gets the first brick.

Fight the good fight.

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