Crazy About Jesus

I've received numerous emails -- okay, five -- insinuating that I exaggerate the truth; that I am a hypocrite; that I am an ecclesiastical terrorist; that I have disgraced the Lord Jesus Christ; and that I am certifiably insane. I will answer each of these ridiculous, slanderous remarks before I track down each emailer -- this is my blog and I can say what I goddam please, including disrespecting every sacred religious belief and democratic norm known to man. If this God-forsaking government insists on holding onto its liberal secular humanist constitution, well then I'll just have to exert my Christian right to insult everyone until they realise I'm right and they're wrong.

1. "Pete, you exaggerate the truth!"

Pete's indignant response: This slanderous heathen has obviously never read the Bible. Our Lord Jesus Christ once said it would be more difficult for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom. Well, I know plenty of rich Christians (in an age of hunger) who are definitely going to heaven. I know this because they have faithfully supported my missionary / mercenary work in Africa for decades. So Jesus was obviously exaggerating his point. I'm sure He was referring to rich people who don't give to fundamentalist Christian causes. A camel would have a better chance of humping his way through the tiniest hole than these people have of getting into heaven. So if you think I'm exaggerating the truth, I'm in good company -- God's company. So shut up and send me your donations.

2. "Pete, you're the biggest hypocrite I've ever come across in my whole life, and I'm a 96-year-old pensioner."

Pete's righteous response: I assume you think I'm a hypocrite because I say I'm a Christian, but I go around paintballing kids on Halloween. I've defended myself ad nausea against such ridiculous remarks -- those kids had it coming. There was nothing anti-Christian about what I did. If you're doing stuff for Jesus, it doesn't really matter what you do as long as you achieve your righteous goal. My goal was to teach those infidel kids that Halloween is an occult celebration of the Devil's birthday. So, some kid got hit in the face. Big deal. Serves him right for swearing at my kids. Cut and dried case of self-defence. And by the way, you're the hypocrite -- where in the Bible do you read that Christians should ever become pensioners? You should be out on the mission field, old timer, instead of wasting away in some retirement home.

3. "Pete, you're as bad as those terrorists who blow themselves up ... I wish you would blow yourself up."

Pete's pissed-off response: How dare you accuse me of being an Islamic suicide bomber ... everyone knows those people will not be rewarded in heaven with 72 nymphomaniacs, but will spend an eternity in hell being sodomised by horny demons. I am not a terrorist. Sure, I believe in the righteous use of terror. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, my dear ignorant fool. It's how and why one uses terror that makes all the difference. When Christian countries like the US bomb the living crap out of Muslim villages, that is the right use of terror. When a mad Arab straps explosives to his body and blows himself to smithereens, along with innocent Israeli coffee drinkers, that's an evil use of terror. Now, if you'll be so kind as to give me your physical address, I'll personally come and demonstrate the righteous use of terror on your sorry ass.

4. "Pete, you have disgraced the Lord Jesus Christ."

Pete's even-more-pissed-off response: How [words deleted] dare you, you little [words deleted]. I have done nothing but faithfully serve my Lord. I don't have enough cyberspace to mention how many admirable, courageous, godly things I have done for our Christian God. I have gone on endless armed mission trips, marched on Parliament demanding that law-abiding citizens be allowed to have and use as many guns as they goddam please, protested outside every sex shop in every town and city throughout this God-forsaken country ... I have done it all and have the T-shirt to prove it. Sure, I may not have a great grasp of grace, but I certainly have never disgraced Jesus, you demon-possessed twit.

5. "Pete, you're fucking insane!"

Pete's furious reply: How dare you use such profanity! I don't care if you think I'm nuts. For your information, you reprobate bastard son of Satan, the Bible says that God deliberately chooses the fools of this world to shame the wise. So if I really am crazy, then it's exactly this kind of insanity that God will use to show the unbelieving world that their clever little atheist evolutionist ideas are going to end them up in hell. Now if you ever use such bad language in an email to me again, I will rip your goddam heart out through your left eye socket and feed it to my hungry pet croc.

That's it. All five emails have been answered in one blog post. I love this technology.

Fight the good fight.