No Homos In My Home

I was still on a spiritual high after scaring the evil spirits out of the Muslims who came to see my mini-twin towers explode with the wrath of our Christian God on 9/11 ... but I've descended into the dark depths of Hades since coming home to find my youngest son dressed in his sister's tutu.

God have mercy, have I spawned a flaming queen? My worst nightmare ... I had to strike myself several times with my paintball gun to ensure that I was not lost in a hellish dream. But there he was, smiling at me and prancing around like a young version of Freddy Mercury minus the porn star moustache, saying, Look papa, I'm a fairy like [name of daughter removed to protect identity from possible internet paedophile stalkers].

Sweet Jesus, save my little boy!

I was transfixed by the demonic apparition before me ... but a reflex action ensured that I held down the trigger of my automatic paintball gun. My lounge has now been repainted in a Picasso-style interior decor that fits the rainbow queen scene I was beholding.

Before Satan could completely snatch my boy out of my righteous hands and turn him into a raving homo, I tore the tutu off him and quickly dressed him in his favourite cowboy outfit. Then we went out and had a giant burger, burped loudly in public, scratched our crotches, visited the paintball range and went beserk, then went back home to watch my edited version of those Chuck Norris movies when he takes on the entire guerilla commie terrorists in Vietnam singlehandedly and only gets a minor cut above his right eye -- which actually happened when he got too close to the spinning rotor blades of a helicopter. My edited version simply has Chuck shooting endless rounds of ammo surrounded by giant firestorms of destruction. Pretty much like the original, but minus the boring credits rolling at the end.

That should be sufficient to show him what a real Christian man is all about. I've also banned ballet as an extracurricular activity from my homeschool. By the way, please note that I said Home-school, not Homo-school.

Fight the good fight.

PS If this behaviour happens after Christians take over the world and reinstate the Law of Moses ... well, I'll have to stone my boy to death for dressing up like a woman / raving homo.