Reverse Jihad

I should have spent less time practicing on Liberty and more on flying my remote control planes over the weekend. My 9/11 lesson in righteous indignation and eternal damnation didn't go down quite as I had planned. But I did manage to scare Allah out of a few Muslims yesterday.

The mosque I had carefully selected for my fiery display of reverse jihad is conveniently situated opposite a park. That's where I was going to be an innocent bloke dressed like a Muslim, peacefully flying his remote control plane(s) in the mid-Afternoon. But I needed someone to erect my makeshift Twin Towers pre-destined to become towering mini-infernos, depicting the burning fires of hell scorching the followers of Allah / Satan. (Bribery and corruption is criminal, but not when a righteous follower of Jesus does it for the sake of the gospel.) I located a loitering gang member who didn't look particularly threatening -- and threatened to rip his heart out if he didn't do what I said. Perhaps it was the Muslim get-up I was wearing, down to a bushy black beard that made me look less like Chuck Norris and more like Bin Laden ... or perhaps it was the very visible weapon strapped to my ankle. Whatever it was, the fella looked like he was about to soil himself and would have murdered his grandmother if I asked him to.

So my scapegoat proceeded to erect the towers in front of the mosque, watched by curious onlookers, then he made a cowardly bolt down the street and probably hopped on the first taxi out of the city.

In the meantime, I looked the perfect, innocent Muslim citizen minding his own business in the park. I was, in fact, minding my own business -- and God's business of violent retribution against sinners. The first plane took off beautifully -- I decided to change the words to Jesus Saves on the one plane and Allah is Satan on the other. I circled the park a few times, until I saw a nice crowd gathering around the towers. Then I swooped in for the kill. Except I missed the first tower and almost decapitated a bystander. People were scattering in every direction, pointing in the sky and screaming like hysterical civilians do when a hijacked plane is about to fly into a gleaming building and explode in a glorious fireball. I lost control of the plane in all the excitement and it crashed into the street. Nice explosion that was met with even more screaming, but the towers were still standing.

I quickly got the second plane in the air -- the Allah is Satan one -- and aimed it straight for the towers. As I said earlier, I should have spent more time practicing over the weekend. The plane simply flew neatly between the mock towers, leaving them both unscathed. But this time I did manage to strike something worthwhile -- the mosque! You should have seen the white robes running around like God Himself had exacted His awful wrath on their holy place. Which He did, thanks to me.

I didn't manage to burn the evil building down, but it was very quick thinking that made me use a stolen vehicle to get to and away from the scene of the crime. Now the police are looking for a mad Muslim terrorist in a BMW instead of Paintball Pete. They should have a long suspect list.

Also a good thing that I had planted special detonators in the towers. As I sped off I pushed the button and brought the towers down in a magnificent display of burning wood. Just like the real Twin Towers were brought down by primed explosives set by the US government. Well, that's the conspiracy theory, but I believe it.

Fight the good fight.