I Love Cheeses

Sure, I'm not considered the poster boy of respectable Christianity after last year's paintballing incident during Halloween, but I do live in a nice leafy suburb populated by many respectable Christians and lots of churches. So I don't expect to meet a blaspheming reprobate teenager at the mall. That's exactly what I bumped into when I popped in to pick up a new replica toy gun for my youngest -- I'm pulling out all the stops to ensure he stays on the heterosexual track after yesterday's diabolical display of flagrant homo behaviour.

So there I am, quietly humming the tune to Onward Christian Soldiers while strolling back to my parked vehicle, when I spot a few kids skateboarding around the carpark. Being the good upstanding citizen that I am, I had to confront the rebels -- everyone knows you're not allowed to ride a skateboard in the carpark of a shopping mall. It's almost a stoning-to-death criminal offense.

I was mentally preparing my indignant speech, including veiled threats of imminent death by public execution, when my eyes fell on the one kid's T-shirt. The blasphemous shock erased my entire self-righteous speech from my mind, all but the words Jesus Hates Sin in flaming red letters.

'I Love Cheeses!'

That's what his T-shirt said. Cheeky little bastard ... I know exactly what his cocky slogan was ripping off -- the very Lord and Master of the Christian faith. Demon-possessed young fool crossed the line when he got dressed this morning!

With the flaming words of God scorching my brain cells, I abandoned all restraint and fairplay, grabbing him by the scruff of his neck I shook him several times while cursing him in the name of Cheeses ... Jesus, I mean.

Then I tore off his T-shirt, shredded it in front of his whole gang of skateboarding punks with my pocket knife, and then recited one of my imprecatory psalms written especially for such public demonstrations of God's justice.

I'm sure I'm going to be hearing from yet another disgruntled parent accusing me of child abuse and public violence, but I've done nothing wrong. If his parents can't discipline him properly in the ways of the Lord, well then I'm more than happy to play surrogate parent to the community's rebel teenagers. They'll thank me when these kids grow up to be just like me.

I've already ordered a few T-shirts from Fundamentalist Clothing Co. so I can present these to the angry parents as a token of my generous spirit and commitment to spread the gospel. I had the new slogan especially designed by Jack Chick:

Front: 'I Love God, Guns and Godly Government!'

Back: 'Blasphemer Go to Hell!'

Fight the good fight.