Osama Does Halloween

I hate towel-heads. But I respect them. Any religion that sanctions conversion under threat of death has to garner at least some respect. After last year’s botched paintball mission to teach those little devil kids that they should not be worshiping Satan in my community, I was simply not going to risk jail time this Halloween by driving around in my own car paintballing kids. I needed a disguise.

Sympathetic readers of my blog suggested that I send Liberty out to do my dirty work and be the fall guy if the paintballs hit the fan. I was grateful for the suggestion and wouldn’t normally mind sacrificing my Sudanese convert garden boy for the sake of the gospel, but that would take all the fun out of Halloween. I’m not like those military generals who watch the action from way behind the frontlines – I want to taste the action for myself, to see evildoers get a taste of hell. At the very least, I want them to get smacked in the chops with a frozen paintball and taste the righteous indignation of Paintball Pete.

So to come back to my respect for towel-heads and my need for a disguise … you’ll remember that I scared the bejesus out of Muslims to celebrate 9/11. The last thing those Muhammeds saw was a mad fellow-Muslim racing away from the scene of the crime. You got it … that was me. I still had the Osama look-alike outfit at home in my secret bunker, so last night when the darkness of hell crept in, I hotwired a car in my street and drove around looking for trick-or-treaters to paintball, dressed like a mad Muslim fundamentalist terrorist.

I spent a few hours committing glorious drive-by paintball attacks, teaching the occult followers that their way will lead to eternal destruction and that my way leads to eternal life with God, Jesus, the good angels and all those who have lived the Christian life like me.

The papers this morning report that a copy-cat paintball terrorist has been on the loose, and that he resembles Osama Bin Laden. I even had one cocky reporter call me to quiz me about my possible links to Al Qaeda. I told him where he could stick a paintball in no uncertain terms, then I pronounced an explicit biblical curse that I can’t repeat here and slammed the phone down on him. I need a new cell phone, by the way.

So there you have it. I keep to my word. Halloween is a demonic celebration of the devil’s birthday. The only gift I’m ever going to give Lucifer is a frozen paintball up his horny ass – and one for each of his followers. I have no doubt that both military and church history will record yesterday’s resounding paintball mission as a dual victory. The treat part is that I taught kids not to dress up like demons and celebrate evil, and the trick bit is that I made sure Muslims pick up the tab. Someone who looks like Osama is going to be gang-raped in Pollsmoor when the cops catch him.

Fight the good fight.