Donkey Tales

You may recall from an earlier blog that I mentioned once being assaulted outside an Adult World by a leggy blonde woman brandishing a potentially lethal and very large dildo. I easily wrestled her to the pavement, which she seemed to enjoy – as did I for undisclosed reasons.

This same woman supposedly read one of the many gospel tracts I always leave after a protest outside a sex shop – the one about how porn is a terrible evil that degrades women and tempts Christian men to try sexual positions that are totally unchristian and only applicable for dogs. She has begun to read the Bible, she tells me in an email, in order to find out more about the judgment that awaits sinners who love porn, but she's perturbed by a number of disturbing portions of the Holy Book ... in particular, this verse:

There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. – Ezekiel 23:20

She sent me a host of attachments with her email – apparently, she knows many men in her industry who would put donkeys and horses to shame. I was mesmerised for a while, but regained my self-righteous composure and indignant attitude.

Firstly, I'm sure those images where photoshopped – no one could possibly have such a large male member to compete with the wild donkeys (and African men) I've seen roaming around Africa. Not even Liberty, my Sudanese convert garden boy, is that well hung.

Secondly, I don't appreciate her insinuation that the Bible is full of porn. This is God's Word we're talking about. God is not a pornographer. He is holy. He intended sex to be enjoyed in a heterosexual lifetime Christian marriage. And only one position is permissible.

And thirdly, I strongly object to the indecent proposal that I should have a threesome with her and her pet donkey. I guess she's never read this Bible verse:

And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, thou shalt kill the woman, and the beast: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them. – Leviticus 20:16

This woman has violated every sacred norm by sending me such lewd pictures and totally distorting the Bible. I know I'm accused of doing exactly the same things .... some people still think I posted porn on my missionary website, when it was in fact the work of satanic hackers. She's the one who'll be violated in hell by unrelenting horny demons who look like donkeys. Problem is, hell will be like a home away from home for people like this.

Fight the good fight. And stay away from donkeys.