Friday 13

Superstitious beliefs are ridiculous. I do not fear this day like the morons who refuse to leave their homes for fear that bad karma will overtake them. What is bad karma anyway? There is only the right way to live (the fundamentalist Christian way) and the wrong way to live (every other way). One leads to heaven with God, Jesus, the angels and the saints. The other leads to hell with the devil, the demons, the liberal politicians, the pornographers, the abortionists, the evolutionists, the satanists and absolutely everyone else who refuses to follow Jesus the way I do. Heaven will have lots of room and hell is definitely going to be overcrowded.

At first I was sure some demon-worshiping punks who have still not realised they're going to spend eternity in hell were behind this morning's unfortunate series of events ... but it appears I was mistaken ... or was I?

I walked out my front door to take a leisurely stroll around the garden, meditate on God's Word and check that Liberty had pulled up all the weeds in the south quadrant. Without thinking, I walked under the step ladder neatly placed in the doorway. I stopped dead in my tracks, not because I was worried a stray meteor would fall from the sky and obliterate my entire homestead. A black cat was crossing my path, obviously making straight for my rose bushes. I've recently discovered the neighbourhood cats have taken to using this section of my garden as their ablution facility.

I sprang into action. I respect God's creatures -- not the human ones, the animals. But if this black cat thought he was going to crap all over my rose bushes, he had another thing coming. I launched myself toward the creature, unawares that some diabolical, mischievous satanist had scattered marbles on the pathway. The laws of motion and gravity were too much for my Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

I lay motionless on the path in serious pain for at least fifteen minutes before Liberty found me and dutifully helped me up.

He apologised profusely for leaving the step ladder in the wrong place and for not picking up the marbles my kids had been playing with yesterday afternoon. But he could not account for the black cat.

So it may look like I am one of those morons who are afraid to leave his home for fear of being snuffed out by a falling meteor, but I'm simply recovering from my fall. However, if I lay eyes on that black cat again, some satanic coven is going to be missing its mascot.

Fight the good fight.