Punk'd

I was interviewed by a radio station long distance from the States over the weekend. Or so I thought ... turns out I was hoodwinked by a young punk impersonating a rightwing radio personality. I'm not proud of the fact that I was deceived by this infidel (who will be publicly executed when I become world ruler), but I've published a few extracts below to document how the righteous are mocked incessantly by infidels ...

Are you really a medical doctor? I see that you add this title before your name ...

No, I have a doctorate in missiology, but I know where to aim my paintballs to inflict the most possible pain in a human being. As you know, my brother, in America you can buy anything, including your educational qualifications. So I found one of the most fundamentalist Christian Bible colleges in the South to read my lengthy thesis on the work of white fundamentalist missionaries – conversion under threat of death, Western clothing to cover heathen nakedness, missionary position-only sex education, how to work in a white man's garden, that sort of thing. They gave me a doctorate in about as much time as it took to read my thesis.

This thesis must be fascinating ... does it include details of your gun running to the Sudan?

Umm, I'm not sure what you mean by gun running, my brother .... I have delivered millions of Bibles to persecuted Christians. And yes, I'm always armed to the teeth when I travel through Africa ... but that doesn't translate into gun running. If I've ever handed over a gun with a Bible (or buried beneath the cargo of Bibles and cheap genetically modified food dumped on Africa), it's been a gift out of the kindness of my heart. Missionaries often take gifts of Western clothing and medicine when spreading the gospel ... why not guns?

So you're not denying these claims of gun running ...?

I do not deny my love for guns and my reliance on them and my lobbying for the right of Christians to defend themselves against infidels by force of arms ... if I'm going to run around Africa, I'm going to carry a few guns with me. That's my definition of gun running ...

Fair enough ... So, Dr Pete, have you ever shot someone ...? I don't mean with a paintball. I mean with a real bullet ...

If you've ever taken a hit at close range with a frozen paintball dipped in battery acid, you'd not suggest that it were not a *real* bullet. My Sudanese convert garden boy will testify to this ... and so will those trick-or-treaters. But it's not really appropriate for me to disclose any military actions I've taken while doing missionary work ... but if I had to discharge a shotgun blast into some ungodly person's sorry ass, or even one of those liberal Christians, I'd happily do it.

You teach converts that God intends sex to —

Commands!

Sorry – commands – sex to be enjoyed within a committed heterosexual marriage only and that the only position permissable is the traditional missionary position. Have you tried any other positions with your wife ... or with anyone else, such as Liberty, for instance?

No ... WHAT??!! How dare you insinuate that I am homosexual, you little f**kwit .... I have only ever had sex with my virgin wife and I may have tried a few variations of the missionary position but only because those prostitutes were up for it and you are treading on thin ice, even if you are on the other side of the ocean .... homosexuality is an abomination in the sight of God .... I have fantasised about many, many different women and mentally explored every sexual position possible, but never in my wildest dreams would I ever – EVER – think of having disgusting anal sex with another man, let alone a smelly heathen convert to Christianity who was created to work in my garden ....

[Laughter in the studio ...] Doctor Pete, have you ever heard the term, 'You've been punk'd...?' This is Thabo from the States ... The Free State. You've been punk'd on Radio Fuck The Fundamentalists ... or as we prefer to say, you've been proper fucked!

I cannot repeat what I said to Thabo from the Free State. But I've now destroyed the second cellphone in a few days and exhausted every biblical curse known to fundamentalists. This, my friends, is how the righteous are being mocked in this apostate world ... I declare a jihad against all those who insult the anointed servants of Jesus Christ and will be sending out recruitment documents shortly.

Fight the good fight.