A Buttock Is Fair Game

A concerned reader of my blog has questioned why on earth I would strip-search my Sudanese convert gardener. Umm, wasn't I clear about that? I suspected that he had stolen some paintball pellets. And yes, I did find a pellet -- but I thought it would have been lodged up his rectum, when in fact it was buried in his left buttock. I just had to be sure.

Before I get a small cyberstorm of demands to explain, allow me to explain.

You may remember that I was just a little incensed at the remote possibility that the porn drop on my missionary website may have resembled a well-hung Sudanese convert giving my wife a good seeing to. So I tried out my new frozen paintballs dipped in battery acid on Liberty during family paintball. It obviously works pretty well, as the pellet lodged in his ass proves.

I removed the offending piece of shrapnel with a pair of tweezers and his wound has healed remarkably. These guys from North Africa are very resilient. He's been debriefed and we've worked through the forgiveness issues -- he understands that I needed to vent my frustrations and experiment on a lesser human before attempting to do so on one of my fundamentalist pastor buddies in a few weeks time at our annual Fundamentalist Paintball-athon.

Fight the good fight.

PS I'm now very sure that Liberty is not the porn star I thought he was. I found the same offending picture on a very popular porn site [I was doing research]. Turns out it's a famous black porn star from Jamaica, not Sudan. I've always said blacks all look the same.