No Diabolical Unions

I've been asked by a nice old Christian gentleman (not the cantankerous old bugger who accused me of hypocrisy a few blogs ago) to share my views about so-called gay marriage. Here goes ...

I don't believe anything else threatens the Christian family unit as much as this sweeping global tyranny of homosexuals who want to force their perversion on God-fearing people like me. I mean, can you imagine me sitting in a church service and the pastor stands up to announce that Steve and Larry have announced their engagement and will be married in a public ceremony next week? All are invited.

If your answer is that Paintball Pete would never be found alive in a liberal, apostate church like this, you're one hundred percent correct.

If you answered that Paintball Pete would show up at the disgraceful public perversion ceremony in full military kit and execute the minister, the homos and their guests, you'd probably be correct but I can't commit to such violence until we take over the world for Jesus. But I would definitely do something to make sure these homos remember the day as the worst in their lives rather than the best. I'd make sure their wedding cake -- with two moffies on top instead of a man and a woman -- explodes in a display of God's fierce displeasure, showering all their guests with smoldering pieces of wedding cake. Like I said, they'd have no doubt that God was utterly pissed off with their diabolical union.

If your answer was that I would interrupt the minister in mid-sentence and then launch into an aggressive recital of endless verses from Leviticus denouncing homosexuality as an abomination from the pit of hell, again, a good character assessment of yours truly. I'd then leave this church in a fit of righteous rage, cursing the pastor and his offspring to an eternity in hell to be sodomised by the very homos he was about to marry.

I guess I don't have to conclude that I am utterly and completely and eternally opposed to gay people marrying, let alone stepping foot in the Lord's house in the first place. When Christians like me take over the world, we'll rid humanity of this scourge once and for all by stoning gays to death. Then we won't have to waste time debating whether the church should be compassionate (never) or completely intolerant (hell yes) when it comes to gays. Instead, we can spend our thousand year reign on the earth playing paintball, having missionary-position heterosexual sex and singing Onward Christian Soldiers.

Fight the good fight.