Crime Doesn't Pay But Guilt Manipulation Does

Don't worry, friends, I'm not dead. Bad luck, enemies, I'm still alive and paintballing the world for Jesus! I've been fighting the good fight on a whirlwind worldwide tour, promoting paintballing as a mandatory church recreational activity, and re-emphasising the missionary-only position for all true fundamentalist Christians in this age of unbiblical kinky perversion. My laptop was stolen during my American-leg of the tour—hard to believe that I left crime-ridden South Africa to visit the greatest nation in the world, only to become a victim of crime. This is the reason I've not posted a blog for weeks.

But I'm back with a vengeance. I have a new laptop, thanks to a kind old donor who felt led by God—and possibly guilt-manipulated by me—to buy me a state-of-the-art replacement for my stolen laptop. What else was she going to do with twenty grand at her age? I must point out that the stolen laptop will be completely useless to the wretched criminal who nabbed it from me at the airport while I was trying to convince a Hare Krishna that he was going straight to hell when he dies and will be tormented by paintball-wielding demons chanting Hurry Curry Your Ass Is Mine for eternity. A dormant virus programmed into my laptop formats the entire laptop if an alien lifeforce tries to log on, and then a clever little piece of electronic engineering detonates a small explosive device in the machine, which would most likely result in permanent genital injury to a user stupid enough to have the laptop on his lap at the time.

This clever little act of counter-terrorism ensures that no-one can access my personal documents—I have all sorts of sensitive data on my laptop that I wouldn't even want my dear warrior wife to see, let alone a semi-literate criminal. You don't have to be able to read to know that porn is ... porn. Sure, idiot celebrities like Brittney Spears may be happy to flash their female parts to the paparazzi, but I am not willing to expose my naughty pics and give my enemies further ammunition to shoot my good reputation down.

I'm back. I have a new laptop. I have endless tales from my travels to further enhance my heroic image as a crusader for Jesus. This blog is going to ignite! I'm off to watch the new Borat movie. Don't miss my review of it in tomorrow's post.

Fight the good fight. And if you're the sorry bastard who stole my laptop, hope you're enjoying your new life without nads.