Pete's Protest

I can't be upstaged by all those rioting security guards who are trashing cars and acting like British soccer hooligans let loose on European soil. So I'm staging my own semi-peaceful protest this weekend when the heretical, blasphemous, diabolical Da Vinci Code opens in the cinemas.

I'm not sure it will have the same theatrical power that my annual protest of the Day Babies Were Slaughtered By Baby Killers -- my ongoing anti-abortion campaign. I and a handful of like-minded anti-abortionists dress in black as if we're on our way to a morbid funeral -- which we are, in a way. We march on Parliament and lay down several tiny coffins and wreaths to symbolise the millions of children torn out of their mother's wombs by evil murderous doctors and tossed into rubbish bins like animal waste at the abattoir. I get to recite the best of my imprecatory psalms and pray that fire will rain down on the heads of every lawmaker responsible for this wicked legislation and that every person who has ever had an abortion will die of some dreaded disease.

This weekend's protest will be less emotive. We can't exactly hold up posters that say Dan Brown is a baby killer. Although if I were able to prove that anyone on the crew of the movie ever had an abortion, well that would taint the whole thing for them and I could claim that Da Vinci Code is actually making money for a secret abortion clinic. All is fair in love and war -- I think I will use this line of logic to oppose my enemies. No doubt there are numerous baby killers behind the scenes of the film.

I'll have each of my kids and faithful wife stand with me outside the local cinema. We'll hold placards that say: Dan Brown hates God! Brown is a Black Satanist! Da Vinci Code is Pornographic! Dan Brown Supports Abortion On Demand!

If you are a true believer (read all my previous blog entries to understand what true Christianity stands for) and even think of going to see this evil movie and I find out about it, there is nowhere you can hide. Pain. Torture. Death. Hell.

Fight the good fight.