Borat Does It Backwards

You may remember how Satan used to deceive masses of youth through backward masking – if you played a rock music record backwards, nasty lyrics like Satan is god would emerge from the distorted, demonic sounds. Today, it's not really necessary to play rock music backwards – if you play it normally, the messages are perverse enough. And who can play a CD backwards anyway?

But who would have thought that subliminal messages were still being used by the Dark Horny Beast to deceive the masses? The Borat movie was full of obscene perversions, so I wasn't expecting anything to bombard my subconscious, what with the full-frontal assault on my righteous mind all over the screen. But I've subsequently learned that the wicked actor speaks Hebrew – so when viewers think he was mumbling in Kazakh, he was actually speaking Hebrew. So I got my hands on a pirated copy of the movie – when it's holy research, I'm always happy to break the law – and carefully examined what Borat said, looking up the English in my Simple Hebrew Made Simple For Simple Fundamentalists dictionary.

This time around I made sure I did not eat popcorn while watching the movie – I've had enough near-death choking attacks to last me a lifetime of movies. But I couldn't help wetting myself again ... praise Jesus, in the privacy of my secret underground bunker, embarrassing leakages are no problem.

So, there I was, carefully trying to figure out what Borat is saying in fluent Hebrew that most people, including stupid Kazakhs, think is Kazakh. And then I hear it, clear as one of those distorted backward masking lyrics that could just as easily mean Santa is a cockroach as Satan is the one true master out to destroy your soul ... I hear Borat in Hebrew saying stuff like – Christians are to blame for all the world's problems ... they should be fed to the bears ... I like naked men ... I serve Satan ... I want have sexy intercourse with Pamela Anderson ... Niiiice.

This is further proof that you should not go and see the Borat movie, unless you want to be possessed by Satan in the cinema of your choice and most likely become a homosexual Satanist five minutes after the film ends.

God has given me special powers to resist all subliminal temptations, so please don't be concerned that my spending the entire night re-watching the Borat movie will adversely affect my spiritual state. But the wet pants are piling up in the laundry basket! If you want to feel sorry for someone, feel badly for the maid.

Fight the good fight.

PS tsinataS a si taroB

Borat Hates Christians

I watched the Borat movie last night. I feel that I have an obligation to research potential threats to the only true gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ, in order to let the faithful know what Satan's next movie is ... I mean, what his next move is. By the way, if you haven't already figured this out, the Dark One loves the movies. He hurls all the filth and smut of hell at audiences, corrupts minds and turns masses away from Jesus. The Borat movie must have been in production in the fiery dungeons of hell since Lucifer was cast out of heaven. Yes, it's that bad, my paintballing Bible-believing friends.

The offensive film is about a reporter from Kazakhstan who goes to US and A to learn from American culture and thereby benefit his glorious nation. From the outset, I almost choked on my popcorn as Borat introduces us to his sister, the fourth best prostitute in Kazakhstan. Then he arrives in New York and masturbates in public outside a lingerie store—I know how he feels as I've been tempted to do the same thing quite often, but I draw the line when this kind of perversion is displayed on the silver screen by a Jew impersonating a Kazakhi infidel. What would Jesus think?

I had just managed to dislodge the popcorn kernel stuck in my throat when a disgusting display of homosexual behaviour spilled off the screen and polluted the entire cinema. Borat engages his producer in a naked wrestling match, which must have excited the entire gay community but revolted my godly heterosexual eyes. Yes, I did laugh at the scene and urinated slightly in my pants in the process, but this does not mean I have homosexual tendencies and it does not justify this foul act. If true Christians like me ruled the world, sinners who ran around hotels butt-naked would be publicly stoned. And movies like this would never be produced.

The most offensive scene was yet to emerge from Lucifer's dark imagination ... Borat visits a fundamentalist Pentecostal church and takes the piss without these dear Christian brethren sniffing the sulphur. Jesus is not to be mocked, my friends. Borat clearly hates everything Christian—he has prostitute family members, engages in perverted homosexual acts and behaves like a demon-possessed fool in the Lord's house.

I left the cinema still coughing up pieces of popcorn, trying to hide a wet patch in my pants and vowing to let the world know that Borat hates Christians like me—and we should hate him back. How? By not going to see his movie. I know I can't actually not go and see his movie as I've already seen it, but I can warn you not to see it unless you want to offend God and also explain why you have wet pants when the video tape of your life is shown in heaven on Judgment Day.

Fight the good fight.

Crime Doesn't Pay But Guilt Manipulation Does

Don't worry, friends, I'm not dead. Bad luck, enemies, I'm still alive and paintballing the world for Jesus! I've been fighting the good fight on a whirlwind worldwide tour, promoting paintballing as a mandatory church recreational activity, and re-emphasising the missionary-only position for all true fundamentalist Christians in this age of unbiblical kinky perversion. My laptop was stolen during my American-leg of the tour—hard to believe that I left crime-ridden South Africa to visit the greatest nation in the world, only to become a victim of crime. This is the reason I've not posted a blog for weeks.

But I'm back with a vengeance. I have a new laptop, thanks to a kind old donor who felt led by God—and possibly guilt-manipulated by me—to buy me a state-of-the-art replacement for my stolen laptop. What else was she going to do with twenty grand at her age? I must point out that the stolen laptop will be completely useless to the wretched criminal who nabbed it from me at the airport while I was trying to convince a Hare Krishna that he was going straight to hell when he dies and will be tormented by paintball-wielding demons chanting Hurry Curry Your Ass Is Mine for eternity. A dormant virus programmed into my laptop formats the entire laptop if an alien lifeforce tries to log on, and then a clever little piece of electronic engineering detonates a small explosive device in the machine, which would most likely result in permanent genital injury to a user stupid enough to have the laptop on his lap at the time.

This clever little act of counter-terrorism ensures that no-one can access my personal documents—I have all sorts of sensitive data on my laptop that I wouldn't even want my dear warrior wife to see, let alone a semi-literate criminal. You don't have to be able to read to know that porn is ... porn. Sure, idiot celebrities like Brittney Spears may be happy to flash their female parts to the paparazzi, but I am not willing to expose my naughty pics and give my enemies further ammunition to shoot my good reputation down.

I'm back. I have a new laptop. I have endless tales from my travels to further enhance my heroic image as a crusader for Jesus. This blog is going to ignite! I'm off to watch the new Borat movie. Don't miss my review of it in tomorrow's post.

Fight the good fight. And if you're the sorry bastard who stole my laptop, hope you're enjoying your new life without nads.