Paintball Pete Is Dead

It is my sad duty to inform those few people in the world who thought Paintball Pete was a cool guy, that he’s dead. Gone to receive his eternal reward at the right hand of God. More about that later. For those of you who are elated that he’s pushing up daisies, firstly, let me tell you that Pete is personally asking Jesus to curse you with intestinal worms the size of a large black man’s well-hung member. And secondly, allow me to tell you that those daisies are flourishing in rainbow colours brighter than any paintball Pete has ever shot at an ungodly reprobate child celebrating Halloween.

Right, more about the death of Paintball Pete – may he rest in peace. This is how it went down ...

As you know, Pete was pretty far-right of your average right-winger. And he was never in any doubt that Jesus justified this position. I mean, have you ever read a Bible verse that says Jesus is sitting on the left hand of God the Father? Hell no, not in my version of the Bible. The right hand of God the Father, you biblically illiterate son of Satan! The right-eous will rule the planet with King Jesus. So anything on the right has to be right, not wrong. Pete was a natural left-hander, but he trained himself to do everything right-handed, including shooting his beloved paintball gun, smacking his Sudanese garden boy across the back of the head, and stroking his ... wait, I digress.

Pete was always upset about the state of things since the blacks took over. He was always trying to get as close as possible to one of those filthy heathens responsible for stealing the Christian white man’s land and leading us down the same path to hell as Rhodesia (Pete refused to call it Zimbabwe). His plan, if he could get close enough, was to launch one of his paintball missiles from the toe-tip of his customised James Bond-style assassin shoe, up the ass of an unsuspecting corrupt politician. His right shoe, it goes without saying.

Pete got the chance to put his ass-shooting paintball skills to the test when he was checked into hospital for a routine procedure. He had shrapnel lodged up his ... let’s just say it was a very dark and private place ... from some or other bush war injury, but he was never specific. He was hardcore that way. There were rumours that it was a self-inflicted injury – that he'd accidentally impaled himself on a sharp object while he was spying on a liberal secular humanist communist politician who had moved in next door to him. But I’d rather think of Pete surviving an exploding rocket that detonated near him when he was bending over tying up his bootlaces on a mission to Sudan. It's just like those cowardly heathen terrorists to attack a white man when his back is turned and his ass is exposed.

So who should get checked into the ward alongside him? None other than the heavy boozing, garlic-chewing, potato-growing health minister. Pete wasted no time at all going on recce missions from his private ward to hers, late at night when she was more drunk than usual. It was during one of these recce missions – so those close to him suspect – that he accidentally slipped on a frozen paintball pellet, and as destiny would have it, he landed headfirst on a discarded scalpel, which pierced his right eye socket and plunged its hell-forged steel tip into his brain.

He was found dead by a male nurse (of all things – a goddam homosexual), who at first thought he had pinched the minister’s supply of expensive whiskey and had passed out in a drunken stupor. The queen nurse told the media that the wall opposite his fallen body was splattered with obscenities about the minister and her communist-loving regime. And that Pete was wearing nothing but his right shoe and was clutching the remains of a paintball pellet – possibly the very one that had brought him down – and with which he had scrawled his final words. This is where the media lies stem from about Pete trying to rape the minister in her sleep, or worse, having an extramarital affair with the minister, and being murdered by a jealous gay nurse who also had feelings for Pete.

I was able to take a photo of the offending graffiti with my cellphone camera just before secret service agents whitewashed the wall. It was nothing obscene. It was a biblical-style curse aimed at the unholy poopholes of the unrighteous, whom Pete had fought against his entire God-fearing, biblical-curse spewing adult life ... may we never forget him!

His message read:

"Thou art the mistress whore of the Devil and will be sodomised with more than a piece of shrapnel if you do not repaint ... re ... "

He must have died before he could scratch out 'repaint' and finish his final warning of eternal damnation.

And so fell one of the finest warriors of Jesus, pierced for the transgressions of our communist, land-grabbing, God-hating regime, just like Jesus for all our sins. I don't think he could have chosen a better way to die. Pierced through his right eye. Clutching a paintball pellet. The bit about being found butt-naked by a homosexual nurse will be denied by all God-fearing, gun-toting fundamentalist Christians until Jesus comes back.

To all those who remain, who love paintball, Jesus and the missionary position almost as much as Paintball Pete ...

Fight the good fight

PS Pete's secret horde of *research material* that he kept *for research purposes* in the not-so-secret bunker under his garage is being auctioned at the Jesus and His Saints Shall Rule The Heathens Bush Baptist Church in aid of the People Opposed to Reprehensible Pornography (PORN) ministry on Friday.

PPS Latest news reports about the health minister are that she has checked herself back into hospital for a routine cavity removal. I suspect that Pete must have fired off at least one of his frozen shoe pellets up her ass before his spirit left to be with the Lord. A warrior for Jesus right until the very end.