I Love a Good Grilling 2

I interrupted my grilling session to inform you all about my anti-Da Vinci Code protest over the weekend. It went brilliantly. All three people who went to see the film and had the audacity to walk past my picket line, felt the spittle of my righteous anger against their haughty, blasphemous necks. One guy actually swore at me and spat on my youngest son's poster -- he was holding one that read 'Dan Brown is Gay'.

It's no small coincidence that Persecution begins with the same letter that Paintball Pete does!

Anyway, enough about the protest (which I have no doubt will cripple the ticket sales of this evil movie and drive Dan Brown into poverty and toward repentance). More about my critics stupid questions:

434. Are you really a missionary or a secret agent who used to work for the Apartheid regime but now works for the American government to topple emerging economies in Africa?

Nice one. When I retire from my efforts to convert the pagan ancestor worshipers, I'll join the CIA and assassinate African dictators, beginning with that idiot who ruined the great nation of Rhodesia! But no, for now I'm a bona fide missionary. Sure, I live in a nice comfortable house, drive a nice car, take my family out to nice dinners, all with donor money . . . but I also hand out the occasional tract and make the rare journey through Africa to deliver Bibles to illiterate blacks. I need to stick around here -- what's the use of protesting abortion and the Da Vinci Code in the jungles and deserts of Africa? I'm not an idiot -- Dan Brown may have the right ethnic name, but no one in a poor African village in the middle of Sudan knows who the white Brown guy is.


666. I was reading somewhere that you encourage your kids to play aggressive games in the garden to prepare them to take over the world? Did Jesus not encourage peacemaking as the path of righteousness?

You're way off the beaten path, you misguided twit. Have you read none of my previous blogs? For the uninitiated, let me give you a brief overview of the life of Jesus. He was God's Son, sent into the world to die for our sins. He was sent here to kick the devil's butt and open the way for sinners to go to heaven. He could have beaten the living crap out of the Romans and their Jewboy friends, but that would have defeated the objective of His Incarnation. But He said nothing to persuade His followers against taking up the sword, or in our day, guns and bullets and occasionally paintballs for sport. How else are we to make all nations Christian? You think the Muslim terrorists are going to stop praying to their false god just because we say Jesus loves them? And do you think the liberal secular humanists are going to stop financing abortion clinics? Get real!

So yes, I encourage my kids to learn the violent art of warfare and take after their earthly daddy and their Heavenly Father.


787. I feel sorry for you and fear you may burn in hell, if I believed in hell. Unfortunately, I believe that everyone will go to heaven.

This is not a question. But I will reply to this demonic-inspired excuse for a human being. There is a hell. You are going there simply because you don't believe it's there -- it's a kind of cosmic joke on all atheists and those who believe there is only a heaven. You think I want to share eternity with idiots like you? You need to take out some good fire insurance -- repent and become like me, and you may still get to heaven.


I'm off to organise another round of protests. This time we're going to burn a few Da Vinci Code books for special effect.

Fight the good fight.